New Beginnings
Denethea Bartel & Darcey Martinez
By: Courtney Stone
Somewhere in Oklahoma, in the middle of miles and miles of farmland stretching far into the horizon, there is a place where women can escape their past, become strong and independent, and unite in friendship. This place is New Beginnings, a motel-turned-apartment-complex, part of Northwest Domestic Crisis Services. It is a haven for women who have left abusive relationships and taken charge of their lives. Denethea Bartel and Darcey Martinez are two residents at New Beginnings; they are also survivors, neighbors, and friends.
Denethea Bartel has always been strong and independent. She always believed that she would never allow herself to be controlled or abused. She was born and raised in a large family, married young, had several children, and divorced after years of a rather normal marriage. In 2004, she began dating a man, and the relationship progressed rather quickly. In spite of the man pressing her into marriage, dominating her time, and trying to isolate her from family and friends, Denethea believed that these things are normal for new relationships where people want to be together as much as possible.
In time, his insecurity and jealousy created problems for them, including verbal abuse and controlling behavior. This escalated into physical abuse: pushing, twisting her arm, shoving her onto a bed, and injuring her shoulder. They tried counseling, but each counselor took her side and angered her husband. Denethea knew that something was not right, and that someday she would have to leave. Instead of immediately escaping, she stayed in the relationship, waiting for that day to arrive.
It came in February of 2006 when her husband pushed her down and she sustained a spiral fracture in her leg, requiring surgery to implant a titanium rod and three screws. While lying in the hospital, Denethea knew she'd had enough.
She gathered the courage to leave in March. After staying with two of her daughters, she found out about New Beginnings from another daughter. Once she was able to get around with her injured leg, she visited the complex, and started counseling with Northwest Domestic Crisis Services.
Today, Denethea has settled comfortably into her own apartment and decorated it with poppies and red upholstery – vibrant tones for her rebirth. Her leg has mended and her spirit is strong. New Beginnings has helped transform her life by giving her a place of her own and helping her get into college. She faces challenges in her new life – being a college freshman in her middle age, restarting her business of selling Home Interior products, dealing with finances – but she is succeeding, thanks to her inner strength and the support from New Beginnings.
Darcey Martinez traveled a different path to this Oklahoma haven. A well-to-do material girl from Salt Lake City, she left an abusive relationship in April of 2005 when her boyfriend went to jail for domestic violence. Suddenly, a new Prince Charming appeared in her life: a good-looking bodybuilder with the money to make her happy. He promised to never hurt her, and he won her parents' trust, even asking her father for permission to marry her. In spite of her best friend's warnings, Darcey let this man quickly sweep her away with promises of living on a sprawling ranch in Alabama and having a nice car. She married him in a carefree Las Vegas wedding and followed him, with her two children, to what was supposed to be a happy future in Alabama.
Instead of finding a lovely ranch, Darcey found a humble house in the middle of nowhere, with no phone or car, and the closest neighbors were miles away. It did not take long for the abusive controlling behavior to begin and the fairy tale promises to fade away.
The first major event was when Hurricane Katrina was making landfall on the southern states. Darcey was talking to her best friend on a cell phone, when suddenly her husband became enraged. He snatched the phone from her hand and shoved her and her two children out into the forceful rain and winds from Katrina. She eventually returned to the house because she had nowhere else to go and her husband was very apologetic.
Unfortunately, the abuse increased. He would disappear for a week at a time, leaving Darcey and her children stranded in the Alabama countryside with no food, phone, or car. He convinced her parents that everything was wonderful, neglecting to tell them that he was locking her out of the house for hours at night with wild animals wandering nearby. He refused to let her work, and he barely allowed her to attend church – at least until the pastor advised her to get out of the relationship. He was much bigger and stronger than she, so he threw her around, bruising her arms and legs but never her face. He was clever, Darcey says, because he had abused his first wife for twelve years. He knew to avoid making marks in highly visible areas. He also started convincing her parents that she was the abuser and the cause of their problems, leaving Darcey questioning her own sanity.
The violence continued to escalate throughout the fall of 2005. Darcey secretly had phones installed in the house, hiding one in her daughter's room. During one of his rampages, her daughter managed to call the police while Darcey's husband threw her around the house, this time giving her a black eye. The police managed to convince Darcey to stay in a shelter, but after one night she returned home to flowers and apologies.
At this point, Darcey wanted out. She told him to stay away from her, and for the most part he did, as a truck driver. He eventually quit the job and began following her around. In December of 2005, the situation reached critical mass as he rampaged around their home, destroying the breaker box and network interface, and threatening to steal the car. Darcey cleverly removed the battery, then ran to a neighbor's house to call the police. Her husband was arrested, and Darcey officially left the relationship. Her best friend, the police, and the pastor and his wife put her and her children up at a local motel, where she spent her birthday and Christmas in isolation. On Christmas, she tried to collect her belongings from the house, only to discover that her husband had smashed everything with a baseball bat and poured gasoline around the house, intending to lock her inside and burn her alive.
Darcey knew she had to leave, but she had nowhere to go. A friend told her to travel to Oklahoma, where her friend's twin sister lived. A few days after Christmas, the police escorted her out of Alabama, and one officer even gave her the paycheck he had confiscated from her husband so she could make the trip to Oklahoma. Her best friend and her best friend's husband also assisted by giving Darcey $300 and a Rand McNally map, complete with directions to her destination.
After arriving, she lived in the NWDCS shelter, and then a "junky" rent house, before learning about New Beginnings. She and her children settled in to an apartment in August of 2006. Like Denethea, the program has greatly improved her life and helped her stand on her own by giving her a safe place to live and a chance to attend college. Darcey feels like she is getting herself back, after being stripped of the material things she previously valued above everything else. She sees success quite differently now. It is not about having the best car, the prettiest clothes, and the shiniest cell phone; it is about raising one's children right, making a difference, and helping others.
New Beginnings has also given the two women something more valuable than an apartment or a degree: friendship. In spite of a twenty-year age difference, the two women are best friends. They attend class together, and because Darcey no longer has a car, Denethea provides the transportation she needs. The two women giggle together like teenage girls, but they also emotionally support each other. Even though they are so different, they have common experiences – and "comedy experiences" as they call them – and challenges. They understand each other in ways others cannot.
One common experience is raising children after leaving an abusive relationship. Darcey and Denethea both have sons around the same age who play together. They both rather heartbroken that their children had to see their mothers in abusive relationships, but both boys are doing well. Now they will grow up knowing that abuse is not acceptable. In fact, Darcey's son wants to be a police officer someday so that he can "put men who hurt mommies in jail."
The two women are also talking about building a future together. Darcey is majoring in mass communications, and while Denethea is currently undecided on her major, she is also considering mass communications. Denethea believes that the events in her life are preparing her for something. She wants to inspire the masses, to make a difference, and to make others feel empowered to change their own lives. She dreams of becoming a motivational speaker. With Darcey at her side cheering her on, the two are considering starting a motivational speaking group together. They want to empower other women, particularly those who may be trapped in abusive relationships.
The Women's Foundation of Oklahoma has demonstrated its support for New Beginnings through a grant. These funds were used to hire a consultant, who assisted in needs assessment, planning, and establishing important community links. This helped increase the vitality of the program, which in turn supports women like Denethea and Darcey as they reshape their lives and rediscover their own strength. Future support from the Women's Foundation may include purchasing equipment for the facilities.